Change-ish?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Well, gentle readers, it is that time again. The balloons have all deflated and sagged with age and the red, white and blue bunting hangs limp and moldering from the balconies from which it once brightly and proudly shown. The votes have been cast and the concession speeches have been made from between tight bitter lips and gritted teeth. Throughout this entire absurd comedy I have managed to remain relatively silent. While, admittedly, my brief periods of silence are rare and should be enjoyed to their fullest, this one is now over.

It is now time for a reality check. To all those Obama supporters: Please, please, shut the hell up! Now, don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that the guy won and I hope he fulfills the role of President of the United States in a truly admirable fashion, but you guys really need to relax and at least pretend to be capable a little perspective!

I am not talking about those of you who weighed the issues, did your civic duty and went on with your lives. I am talking about those rabid, dangerously idealistic folks who bought into the political hype-machine created by the man's very talented PR team and his undeniable charisma and gift for public speaking.

Idealism is wonderful and necessary thing to advance the species as a whole. It, however, becomes foolish and dangerous when it blinds one to the reality of any given situation. Obama is a very smart and charismatic man but that is all he is: a man. No more, no less. He is not some messiah figure or magical creature that, once installed into the office, will cause the human species to stop acting like total douches to each other and allow the emergence of wise, friendly dragons and beautiful unicorns that shit rainbows and happiness. Sorry, folks, it is just not going to happen. And while I would love to make friends with dragons and rainbow-crapping unicorns, that doesn't make it a part of the cess-pool-like reality we all have to live in and work with.

Quick poll: Everyone who actually believes the magical change that has been promised by the PR machine is actually going to occur, raise your hand. Now, those who now have your hands raised, use it to pick up a history book and a few newspapers and actually read them!

The reality of the situation is this: At least the next three presidential terms are going to be spent desperately trying to clean up the mess left behind by Captain Clusterfuck and his cronies.

Now, let's, for the sake of argument, assume there was no exaggeration made and President-Elect Obama is, in fact, the world's greatest human. It won't matter. No one will see it. The man is still going to have to do a few things that most folks won't like in order to help pull us out of the train-wreck of a situation we are in now. Humans, as a group, have a long and colorful history of being unwilling to see past their own short-term self-interest. We're all special like that. It's a gift.

Now I realize that it is much easier to wave a flag and spout some feel-good slogan than actually thinking for one's self, (hell, it has worked for the current administration for quite some time) but that doesn't make it a particularly good or helpful thing to do. While I give the man credit for being one of the more honest politicians I have heard, he is still just that: a politician. I will say that again for the hard of thinking. He is a politician and that means when he is not kissing babies he is stealing their lollipops (Stealing lines from old movies is also easier than thinking for one's self as well, apparently).

This is not entirely the fault of the politicians. The majority of the blame for this fact lay squarely on the shoulders of the voters. The voters would never elect a completely honest person to powerful political office so we encourage them to tell us what we want to hear, to lie. Can anyone tell me what you get when you continually reward bad behavior? Anyone? Anyone? Those of you who said "more bad behavior", give yourselves a gold star.

Either way, there are going to be a lot of disappointed people throughout the next four years as those who bought into the PR hype, and indeed, still do, come to realize it was just that: Hype. This is particularly unfair to the President-Elect who, I think, despite my annoyance with his more enthusiastic supporters, will do a good job.

Hey, hopefully, I am wrong. I want my unicorn and dragon just as much as anyone... and maybe a magical, wish-granting penguin thrown in there for good measure.

To those who would suggest that I am, in fact, a cynic: Remember, kiddies, a cynic is just a bruised romantic.

Here's hoping!



Rant Over... For Now

All Euphemisms Aside

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


Not so long ago I found myself sitting in a doctor's waiting room doing what most of us do when we find ourselves in that situation, desperately looking for a way to forget that I was sitting in a waiting room. Tragically, the book that I was reading had taken a turn for the boring. This was particularly disappointing to be because I had thus far only managed to get it half of it colored in.

Deprived of my artistic expression I began to search for something else to occupy my mind. The lady who sat a few seats to my right and for some reason felt the need to stare at me without blinking for twenty minutes strait for no apparent reason was no help. Nor was the old lady sitting across from me who, rather that utilizing water to bath in such as we commoner's do, had instead opted for the more sophisticated choice of bathing in perfume. In her defense, however, I will say that she seemed to have chosen the rather delightful fragrance of Eau De Zyklon B. I know my rapidly melting lung tissue appreciated that small touch of class.

As I sat there, gasping for air, the TV bolted to the wall announced that it was time for the news. Normally I pay no attention to the news, the fourth estate having forgotten how to do it's job long ago, but this time something caught my attention. Attempting to refocus my, now oxygen deprived, brain on the TV I heard the story of a young woman who was auctioning off her virginity in order to pay for grad school. I made a note to check out the story when I returned home and promptly passed out.

Upon reviving and making my way home I fired up my porn-choked computer and did a search for the story. Sure enough, I found it. I read the story and then watched a clip of an interview done with the young lady by CNN. For those of you unfamiliar with CNN, it is a cable channel that at one time, in the distant past, showed news stories.

In the brief clip that I saw, the young lady had suggested that what she was doing by selling her virginity was empowering not only herself, but women in general. The truly impressive thing was that she managed to make this statement, not only with a straight face but with a look in her eye that said that she believed the drivel that was issuing forth from her.

There is a word for what she is doing and it is not "empowerment", it's "whoring".

Now, don't get me wrong, I think whoring is a noble profession and should both be legalized world-wide and re-classified as therapy, but it still is what it is. If you engage in sex acts for money, no matter what your reason for needing said money, you are a whore. You are not an empowered anything. Now you can feel empowered by the act but you are still a whore.

Now I know the word "whore" has a negative connotation in our society and the word "prostitute" may sound a bit kinder to the ear but I have always preferred the blatant honesty of the word "whore". It is not a word that hides behind and almost technical sounding facade. It is just there, right out in the open: "WHORE"!!!. It is a word that says: "Here I am in all my glory and if you don't like it you can go fuck yourself... or me, for a price."

I have no problem with what this woman is doing, in fact, I applaud her decision. Hell, the only reason I didn't do this myself was that I could barely give it away (BTW, thank you St. Alcohol). The sad truth, is that I, like most of the people that dwell in this planet, am not "whoring-worthy". If I could do this, I would have already had my PhD by now! If one is whoring-worthy, and chooses to act on it, good on you, but be honest about it!

If you engage in sexual activity for money, you are not a sex-worker, a porn actor/actress, a gigolo, an escort or a gold-digger! You are a whore! Stand up an be proud of it! Go to the window, throw it open, stick your head out and yell to the heavens: "I AM A WHORE AND I AM PROUD SO FUCK YOU, WORLD! Reasonable payment plans available for qualified renters."




RANT OVER... FOR NOW

Parenting 101

Friday, June 13, 2008


Not so long ago some friends of mine had a baby. Now I have been lucky enough to be able to spend a good bit of time with the little one and that got me thinking (you can already tell this is not going to end well) about my own potential parenthood.

It is not completely inconceivable that I might one day find myself a parent either through adoption, fornication or finding a child in a a Cracker-Jack box. I am kind of hoping for that fornication one. Regardless of how it happens, I may find myself facing the same parenty type questions that my friend will soon be staring down the barrel of.

One of the most awkward types of questions parents face form children are those regarding sexuality. As a public service both to my friends and the one or two of you out there who read my drivel I would like to present a sample conversation in which I demonstrate the proper way to handle this situation:




Child: Daddy?

Me: Yes, little Green Lantern? (Incidentally, that is the perfect name for a child. It works for both male or female)

LGL: What is sex?

Me: Well, I am glad you felt you could ask me. Sex is a very special thing between a man and a woman or man and a man or woman and a woman or a man and a box turtle. When two or more consenting adults really love each other, or like each other, or tolerate each other, or are in the same room, they come together in a very special hug. Sometimes they get a hermaphrodite in a spandex gorilla costume to film it and set it to the music of Chopin as interpreted by feral alley cats. Does that clear it up for you?

*Little Green Lantern stares blankly*

Me: I can see you are still confused. Perhapse I can illustrate better with these sock puppets.

*An hour long puppet show ensues*

*Little Green lantern begins to twitch slightly*

Me: Here, let me show you these films I got in Germany that may help you understand a little better.

*Little Green Lantern's eyes widen in terror and years of intense therapy follow. The weeping inside never really stops*





I hope that the above example has been helpful to all of you new, and potential, parents out there.



You are welcome.

More Random Rants

Saturday, May 10, 2008

And now, because you have been bad and need to be punished, more random rants!

First up on the hit parade: bisexuals. Fuck you guys! Now I am not talking about the folks who are mainly heterosexual or homosexual but like to take a swing in the other field (this is officially the closest I have ever come to an actual sports metaphor!) now and again. Hell, I think everyone should try almost everything at least once. I personally am going to give masturbating with a cheese grater, a live carp and a lit blowtorch a miss, but taking the gender you don't usually visit out for a test drive certainly qualifies for the should do list.

No, the people I am talking about are the ones that have absolutely no gender preference at all. The people who can easily see themselves settling down with one gender or the other with no bias towards one or the other.

Now you may be asking yourself: "Self, where does Logan's seething hatred of bisexuals come from? And while we are on the subject who dresses him? Ick! And what the hell is that strange smell? And when the hell is he going to pay back that two dollars that he owes me?!? And, just where the fuck does he get off criticizing how I wear my inflatable zebra suit?!?! And how come-" But I digress.

The origin of my distaste is easily summed up in one word: "jealousy". That's right, pure unadulterated jealousy. I mean here I am, not the most attractive guy out there, broke, with a penchant for saying things that get me dirty looks and my potential dating pool is cut in half right from the start through absolutely no fault of my own. Now you may be saying : "But, Logan, don't you already have a beautiful woman who you are devoted to and is devoted to you? Why would you care if you can't see yourself settling down with a nice boy some day?" The answer is yes, I do have a gorgeous woman whom I love and it will stay that way until I run out of chloroform! It is just the principle of the thing here! Fuck you, bisexuals! You guys suck (and not just in the happy happy joy joy sort of way)! You lucky bastards!

Next up, Firefly. Fuck you, Fox network!!! Way to take a brilliant concept that is both well acted and excellently executed technically and run it into the bloody ground!!! Die in a fire!!!


WARNING!!! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!


Serenity. Fuck you, Whedon!!! At least Book's death had some meaning! What were you thinking about with Wash! He was one of the best characters and you snuff him in a stupid way for no apparent reason!!! That is not "clever" or "realistic", it is lazy writing. The main difference between fiction and real life is that fiction has to make sense! It is not fair and can on occasion can be broken under the right circumstances (I.E. It makes sense in the context of the larger story). But killing off the best character in the show just to attempt to add forced drama to Zoe's fight is lazy at best! Just for that, in my next book, I am going to have a character named Joss who will be killed of in some pointless, stupid way. Hell, I may just do that in all my future books! That'll lern ya! Fear my literary wrath and tremble, ye poop-head!
(I reserve the right to completely rescind this rant should it later prove that Wash's death was some part of a larger over-all plan. I also reserve the right to kill off Joss in all my future works in goofy ways just because I think it is funny. I know, I have issues)

While we are on the subject, sorta, screw you Vegas Browncoats!!! While I was on the project to restore the Ariel Ambulance, not one of you fuckers came out to help, not one! It was not a two man job and we lost the project to a town that could actually generate some bloody support! I hope you all stub your toes in a particularly painful manner! To those that did show up, thank you very much. May you all receive your very own autographed copy of Firefly season two in the very near future!



Rant Over...For Now

Video Games Made Me Kill My Neighbors With a Spoon !

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Well, the new GTA game is out and once again all the worlds ills are being laid squarely at the feet of the big bad video game boogie man. The theory being that violent and sexual images in video games causes real world violence and sexual activity.

I'd like to address the issue of sexuality first. Sexual activity doesn't occur because someone saw it in a video game. Sexual activity occurs because it is fun. Sex is a healthy and enjoyable activity provided, as with almost any other activity in creation, one uses a little common sense. I realize common sense isn't all that common and never really has been a high priority for our species but that isn't the fault of video games. Let's be honest here, if you don't want people to have sex, ENCOURAGE them to play video games for hours and hours. Fill the time that they would normally use to develop social skills with the development of keen fragging skills.

This brings up violence. On this point they are absolutely correct. Video games do, in fact, cause real world violence. I mean, it is not like there was any real world violence before the invention of the video game, right? Oh, wait...

Jack Thomson, a man who is still practicing law despite being certifiably insane, is one of the main proponents of this rather absurd notion. He even went so far as to say that the violent individuals who perpetrated the Colombine shootings "trained" on video games, specifically DOOM. This is incredibly stupid. I have played DOOM and I have shot a gun, the skill set necessary to do each task are not the same. The are not even close. In Mr Thomson's mind, there seems to be few other causes of violence than video games. I have to admit, it would be nice if that were the case. Remove the video games and you remove violence from our society. Know what? Not gonna happen!

We are a violent species. We always have been and it appears as if we will remain so for the foreseeable future. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, hell, it's one of the things that got us to the top rung of the food chain. It is what we are good at. The trick is to channel those violent impulses into non-harmful outlets, say, playing video games.

I freely admit that some truly fucked up people have also played video games, but coincidence does not equal causality. The human mind can take anything and twist it in a dangerous way, we're special like that. This includes video games, but a psychopath playing Pong was not made that way by the video game. This assertion does a tremendous disservice to the mentally ill and society in general. By focusing on this red herring you take time and effort away from things that really might actually help us.

And lets look back to the two boys at Columbine. How were they able to get their hands on all those guns? Did the video game give them to them? How were they allowed to spend all those hours playing? I don't know about you, but I would say that that video game was guilty of being a bad parent! Oh, wait...parents?

Maybe, just maybe, it is not the job of video games and television to act as parents to our precious little snowflakes. But if not video games then who, I ask you, who is supposed to act as parents to our children? Any ideas, folks?

This is a funny transcript of Mr. Thomson being called on his idiocy by G4TV's Adam Sessler on the NPR show Talk of the Nation: http://gamepolitics.com/2008/05/01/jack-thompson-on-npr-if-you-blinked-you-missed-it/


Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!




Rant Over...For Now

Oh Lord, We Beseech Thee... And Stuff

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Check this out: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/04/25/BUCN10C1KR.DTL

Ok, let's just for a moment pretend, for the sake of argument, that praying for something actually works. The fact that none of the people who picked on me in high school have had their genitals spontaneously combust, despite my feverent use of prayer speaks to it's utter uselessness but, let us pretend.

For the purposes of this discussion, lets say that prayer works. Ok, now in my humble-ish estimation the ability to cause divine intervention would qualify as a pretty damn spectacular ability. Some might even call this grand ability a "power". Now, as we all learned from our good friend Spidey, with great power comes great responsibility. I thing the ability to alter time and space as well as telling the laws of physics to get bent surely qualifies as a great power.

So, how do they exercise this power in a responsible manner? They pray for lower gas prices. Wait? What?!?! Is that the most noble use they can come up with for this power? Praying for lower gas prices?!?

I mean here is a power that could make the world a vast utopia for all people for all time and this is the best they could come up with? Damn! What about the dying econnomy, world hunger, world poverty, the war in Iraq?!?! What about Darfur?

According to the most recent UN reports the death-toll in Darfur has reached the 300,000 mark. 300,000 people dead. Men women and children, all dead, most in really nasty ways, and high gas prices are the unspeakable travesty that deserves the attention of this awesome power.

BTW, if you haven't heard of the conflict in Darfur, don't feel bad. They have no oil fields so, as far as our mainstream media and administration are concerned, it doesn't actually exist. It may get some slight lip service when we want to look like we give a shit about anything that doesn't line our leader's pockets but nothing even slightly resembling progress ever happens.

Anyway, back to the point (yes, I have one). If we accept this power as fact, what kind of people are these folks who squander it do recklessly? I mean, this is worse than if Superman took the time to save a cat from a tree while behind him a group of three-year-old orphans were being gang raped by a group of syphilitic inbred guano farmers.

It is called priorities folks. In emergency surgery they call it triage and in our country alone high-gas prices don't even make the top ten list of things that need to be fixed in a big fucking hurry. So the next time you want to feel like you are helping without actually doing anything. Please, by all means, pick a more worthy goal! It is what (insert your chosen deity here) would want or something like that.



Rant Over... For now

All Former Slaves Raise Your Hand

Monday, April 21, 2008

I was recently reading an editorial in which the author seemed to be in favor of the idea of "reparations" for slavery. As a supporting argument he used the payout to the former inmates of the World War II internment camps into which our government, in it's finite wisdom, decided it would be a good idea to move our citizens who were of Japanese descent. You know, in the interest of "National Security". This is faulty logic and deliberate self deception at best and outright flaming stupidity at worse. The two situations are completely different. Sure, they were both atrocities that should never have happened, but there is a big difference between the two. Namely, some of the victims of the Japanese internment camps were still alive when the payout was made! There is no one alive today that was a victim of legal U.S. supported slavery. Not one! The thirteenth amendment, which officially ended slavery, was passed in 1865. So, unless there are a bunch of folks over the age of one hundred and forty-three running around (anything is possible) there is no one today that was a victim of this horrible crime.

The idea that because someone in someone's family tree was a slave and therefor deserves reparations is nonsensical in the extreme. If we accept that argument as logically sound then we, logically, must accept the flip side of that argument: If someone in someone's family tree was a criminal, then they should be punished for their crime. Sounds silly, huh?

Now I am not talking about race relations here or even prejudice. I am specifically talking about the crime of slavery. If we wanted to get into a pissing contest, I am sure we all have our stories about how we have all at one time or another been the victim of racism and prejudice. I do. Don't you? We all do and trying to use them as a justification for reparations is just plain stupid. It muddies the waters of thought and distracts one from the actual issues involved.

I realize that my position is not a politically popular one and I am sure I would be considered a racist by some for thinking this way. All I can say to those who would jump to that conclusion is this: prove me wrong. Show me, in a calm, logical manner how the argument for reparations is sound. I realize it is much easier to fling accusations than think out a position but it does not make one correct, merely part of the problem.

Logic just does not support the argument for reparations. But since when has humanity been interested in logic. This is just another example of the distraction technique used by our various corporate and political masters to keep us distracted from actual issues that are relevant to today's world. It is a power play, just like most things. Get folks to focus on the suffering of the past they tend not to notice the suffering of the present. We are a painfully myopic species and, black, white or plaid, that is our biggest failing.




Rant Over... For Now

Happy 15th (Belatedly)

Wednesday, April 16, 2008


Hello out there to my fellow American brothers and sisters! Well, yesterday was April 15th, the day our kind Uncle Sam asks us, in a kind but firm voice, to bend over and bite down on something. Yes, the 15th is the day when even the most unfortunate looking of us can get screwed, though most likely not in the manner you might have hoped. However due to my accidental exposure to Japanese and German porn I now realize that for every event or action, no matter how disturbing, there is a fetish. You just know someone out there is wanking to their tax forms.

Take heart, dear friends. The day has passed and your duty is done. As we travel through our lives this next year watching in horror as our elected officials commit all manner of crimes and general shenanigans let us all engage in a bout of group denial as we all try to forget that we, in fact, are the ones that fund these fuck-wits!

Cheers

Random Rants

Thursday, March 13, 2008

And now, because you have all been bad and need to be punished (not in the fun way, don’t get excited) it is time for some random rants!!!

First off, Ben Stein, an admittedly very smart man, is attempting to use his influence as a celebrity to help Florida legislators to allow "challenges to evolution" to be taught in science classes. Now, while I would support the teaching of alternate theories that were based purely on scientific evidence, this is just another attempt to have creationism taught as a science. The cold hard fact is that creationism is not a science, it is a religious philosophy. Someone wrote it down in a book or a scroll a long time ago, does not qualify as scientific evidence. I am all for creationism/intelligent design being covered in a comparative religion class or a class that is a survey of various philosophies, it is still not a science and should not be taught as such. Another problem with allowing it would be deciding where we draw the line. After all, don’t almost all religions have a creation myth? All of those myths have just as much scientific credibility as creationism/ Intelligent design.

As a side note, while Mr Stein is a highly educated man, none of his training is in the natural sciences.

While we are on the subject of science, is there anyway we can get people to stop saying stupid things like: "There are some things that are beyond science." in a vain attempt to seem wise?!?! Statements like this demonstrate a complete lack of understanding of the concept of what "science" is. It is not some stagnant thing that says what is or is not possible. It is a living, vital, changeling, adapting thing. Pure science never says "no". It says, this is what we have observed so far and this is what we can demonstrate. It may say "as far as we know, it seems highly improbable", it may even say "if everything we think we know so far is absolutely correct, then it is impossible" but it never says "no". Scientist who have become far too enamored with their own intellect say "no" but never science. Remember that a great many things that we now take for granted were labeled as "impossible" by scientists of the day. The one thing that science does say it "prove it". Science does have all the answers, we just don’t have all the science.

Could someone tell me what is wrong with these people who cry and get all torn up when a celebrity that they have never meet and would likely have never met dies. Heath Ledger’s death was the most recent one to bring this up. Now while I am a fan of his work and am very disappointed that I will never be able to see any new performances from him, barring intersection of a parallel universe or resurrection, I have not cried nor am I all that broken up over his death. Know why? I never met the man! I am sorry for his family and am grateful that he was able to share his talent with the world, but his death really doesn’t affect me in any meaningful way. Now, had he be a friend of even just an acquaintance, then I am sure I would be crying like a little baby. What makes someone in the public eye, that much more deserving of sympathy that anther soul that no one has ever heard of. I have to wonder about these people who get all broken up over the death of a celebrity. Do they get broken up over the millions of people who shuffle off each day? If not, doesn’t that sound just a tad hypocritical to you? If they do, how do they get anything done? Just a thought.




Rant Over... For Now

Horton: Who Hearer, Baby Killer, um, I Guess

Sunday, March 09, 2008


http://www.tmz.com/2008/03/08/horton-hears-an-abortion-protest/

Apparently a group of abortion protesters decided to stage a demonstration at the premier of Horton Hears a Who. The pseudo-logic behind their reasoning being that the film's line "After all, a person is a person, no matter how small." could easily refer to a fetus as well as a race of imaginary creatures that live on a speck of dust.

These folks waited until the movie was over then started marching about and and chanting anti-abortion slogans. This stunning display of attention whoring culminated with the protester placing red tape over their mouths with the word "life" printed on it. I personally would have gone with duct tape and scrawled the word "douchebag" on their foreheads with a black sharpie, but that's just me.

Now, while I support the right to free speech, even if I do not agree with the message, this was in a private business, not a public space. Add to that the colossal stupidity of the act and you definitely have a good argument for retroactive abortion.

This little display also illustrates some of the hypocrisy inherent with some of these anti-abortion protesters. Keep in mind, this was the premier of a children's movie, hence, many children in attendance, many of which, I am sure were very young. You have to wonder what was going through their heads as these nutjobs started chanting at them. Some of these kids probably didn't understand the whole pro-choice, pro-life debate and only knew that these people were yelling at them for some strange reason. So, fetuses are people with thought's and feelings that should be respected but it is ok to traumatize the kids that are out of the womb and walking about demonstrateably capable of fear? Besides, how many of these six, seven and eight year-olds do you think were going to watch the movie, finish their popcorn and boogie on down to the local abortion clinic for a quick one? I am guessing not many.

As far as the parents go, that was equally pointless. They were parents! They had their kids! Shouldn't the protesters have just said thanks and left it at that?

I am not going to sound off on the abortion question, that is a rant for later all on it's own. This is strictly about this instance of mindless attention-whoring and whatever personal feelings about the debate sneak through you will have to forgive me for. Or not, whatever makes your train go.

This is not the first case of this kind of foolishness. Now, admittedly, it has been a very long time since I read the book but I am fairly certain that there were no aborted fetuses in the book. Despite that, the anti-abortion folks have been attempting to appropriate this book into there arsenal for a very long time. One, the American Life League, went so far as to publish a pamphlet with Horton's recurring phrase "a person's a person, no matter how small" as the title. This has been going on so long that before his death Dr Suess himself even threatened to sue one group. I am admittedly sorry that he didn't go through with it. I would have loved to read that transcript.



Rant Over... For Now

Darth... Um... Darth?

Monday, March 03, 2008

Ok, admittedly this is a totally geeky thing to talk about but, hey, geeks need love too. I was reading a few articles on Star Wars, specifically the Sith because that's the kind of thing I do rather than having an actual life. I was reading up specifically on their training and naming. The training is harsh, at best, usually downright sadistic and the master's overt attitude toward the apprentice is usually somewhat unfriendly. Whatta you expect, they are bad guys after all, right?

Anyway, at the beginning of this training the master grants the apprentice a new name. With these names goes the title of Darth. Usually the actual name part of the title it something dark and cool sounding: Darth Maul, Tyranus, Vader, Bane (yes, I know Bane kind of named himself. My god I am a dork!). My question is this: if you are about to abuse someone for the next few decades, why not start out on the right foot? Don't give the poor sap some cool ominous sounding name. Give him a name that reflects the humiliation that he's in for.

"Arise, Darth Spanky!"

Besides, even though you are going to get in a good long run of fun at this putz's expense, it is all going to end the same way: you, face down on the ground in a pool of your own blood with a lightsaber-colonic. You might as well get in a sting that will last for the rest of his life. Imagine trying to strike fear into the hearts of a galaxy with a name like Darth Floppy!

On the other hand, imagine the monolithic reserve of blinding hatred the new lord of the Sith would have to draw strength from! The guy would either be a quivering mass of neurosis or the biggest bad-ass in the history of existence. What fun either way! Also think of the benefit to the reputation of the Sith Order in general! Imagine the deep psychological damage inflicted by having your entire species subjugated by Darth Sweetiepants. Now that is an embarrassment that with linger for a few million generations.

Thoughts like these are the reason my girlfriend no longer allows me to play with sharp, flaming objects.

We Can Hear You Now...

Friday, February 29, 2008

This is great! Head on over to http://www.billboardliberation.com/ and check this little bit of billboard remodeling. Sounds like Cacophony.

For the past little bit the telecom companies' lobbyists have been fellating the members of congress in an attempt gain retroactive immunity from lawsuits arising from their compliance with the Bush administration's domestic spying program. As it turns out, they must give great head because they got their wish. Doesn't that give you a warm fuzzy feeling all over? I know I get a glow when I see my civil liberties ass-raped. Nothing makes me feel better than to see the rights that our fellow countrymen have fought and died to protect silently fall by the wayside.

Now, maybe you are thinking that since you are not a terrorist, this little piece of legislation doesn't really affect you. You are wrong. Things like this tend to happen in a domino effect and the first one is always the hardest. After that they all come tumbling down with ease. What happens when political protest becomes considered a terrorist act? Never happen you say? Not too long ago I would have said the same thing about the U.S. holding prisoners publicly without charge or trial or the public acceptance of torture as an acceptable means of interrogation.

We seem to have forgotten that Orwell's book 1985 was not a how too manual. While, at the moment, that is a bit of an exaggeration at the moment, it is the direction that we are headed. And all the while we consent by our silence. A fundamental right falls away and all we have to show for it is a billboard.



"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" -Benjamin Franklin





Rant over... For now

Help, Help! I’m Being Repressed!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007


Well, folks, it's that time of year again. You know you have waited, longed and even pined for it all year long. It's that time of year when a chill is in the air, friends and loved-ones gather to reminisce and enjoy one another's company and time for a bunch of self-righteous wankers with an over-inflated sense of entitlement to begin the annual bitch-fest we have all come to know and love as the War on Christmas(tm).

First off, point of fact: There is NO war on Christmas. If there were I would be allowed to shoot those godamn bell-ringing pan-handlers that spontaneously burst forth into existence around around this time every year. Call it collecting for charity if it makes you feel better but it is still pan-handling. If someone you don't know comes up to you and asks for money or has a sign asking for money, that's pan-handling. The addition of a headache inducing and intensifying bell does not change that fact. The fact that they are pan-handling on behalf of another party is irrelevant. If you are going to pan-handle, at least be honest about what you are doing. The hypocrisy of it is what really gets to me. Ok, that and that fucking bell! If a homeless person were to do the exact same thing, bell or not, how long do you think it would take before they were run off? My guess is not all that long. There are ways to collect for charity without being obnoxious about it. If I want to give to your particular charity, I will find you.

(Paging Dr Tangent)

Anyway, the fact that someone says "Happy Holidays" rather than "Merry Christmas" neither constitutes a war nor repression. The fact that religious decorations are not allowed on public grounds in many towns like-wise constitutes neither war nor repression. Despite the poorly informed individuals who claim that this country was founded on "Christian values" (that is the subject for a whole nother rant all on it's own) we have a concept in the founding documents called separation of church and state that thankfully a few (a depressingly few) government agencies are beginning, finally, to acknowledge.

The moment an organized body forbids you to celebrate Christmas on your own property or express your beliefs in a public space in a way that doesn't harm or infringe on other's rights, or the government a law is passed that prohibits you from practicing your religious or spiritual beliefs then, and only then, can you claim repression. Until then, you are merely behaving like a whiny petulant douche-nozzle. Suck it up and realize that not everyone has to have the same belief system.

Now, having said all that, I do realize that most people today just too damned sensitive. The seem to be looking for a reason to feel victimized. In the same way that Christians are not being repressed when someone says "Happy holidays", they are not trying to force their religion on anyone else when they say "Merry Christmas". It also bares pointing out that wishing someone a happy Chanukkah, Yule, Kwanzaa, Shabbos, Rhammadan, Samhuinn or Christmahannukwanzica also does not constitute the forcing of one's religion on another. If someone says anything like this to you simply say thank you and accept the fact that they are merely expressing good will to another human being (an admittedly rare phenomenon). If you happen to feel good will towards the other individual go on and express that in the polite manor of your choosing, go on with your life and avoid behaving like the afore mentioned douche-nozzle.




Rant Over... for now


Bonus Trivia:
Five bonus points for the first person to name the pythons involved in the skit from which I took the title of this rant.