You are running some errand or other. Perhaps you are going to pick up some monkey chow, perhaps you just remembered that you need to unlock the handcuff you were using three nights ago. Either way, you find yourself in a store. In the case of the handcuffs to pick up a good hack saw that can cut through them, well, through bone anyway, the key having been lost during an unfortunate incident involving a crowbar, a small whip a fifty gallon drum of barbeque sauce and one very confused carp. You know, an average Thursday evening. But I digress... rather a lot actually. Anyway, for whatever reason, you find yourself walking through a store and as you walk along you are hit in the face with a pungent cloud of perfume that is so thick it is damn near solid. Three minutes later the person from whom this fog of evil emanates passes you, completely oblivious to the path of pulmonary scarring that they have left in their wake. And you think to yourself, as you hork up the remainder of your left lung, how the hell does that even happen?!? How is it that he/she/it has not been reduced to a gelatinous mass of quivering goo?!?
Now take that whole scenario and add in a really good case of asthma. Good times, good times.
This has happened to me on more than one occasion and I can almost bet it has happened to you as well. This used to be more or less confined to really old ladies who had burned out any sense of smell they may have had long ago. At least that, you know is an honest mistake on their part. What about the people around them? Not strangers, mind you, but people they actually know! Has not one of these people had the common decency to tell them "Hey, maybe you might wanna dial it back a bit on the perfume. The plants are on fire and the walls are bleeding." Is that really too much to ask? The answer to that question seems to be a resounding "YES"!
More and more the people who commit this crime against lung capacity seem to be getting younger and younger. Not only that, it has crossed the gender barrier as well. I am a big fan of gender equality but this is taking it in the entirely wrong direction. Walking through a store one day I was almost knocked off my feet by the stench of cologne oozing from a kid who couldn't be older than seven! Isn't there some law against teaching a child to mainline noxious chemicals? Two questions: Where are the people who spawned this douche-larva and can we stone them? At the very least we should be able to make sure they do not reproduce any more than they already have?
So here is a question, since the people who should be telling them seem to be incapable of doing so, is it ok for the rest of us to do it?
The answer to that question is apparently "no".
This actually happened to me:
I was in a store waiting in the check-out line. As I got closer to the cashier it got harder and harder to breath. Now, as I am a gentleman when no one is looking, I decided that the best way to handle the situation was in as discretely a manner as possible. Granted, that had more to do with my accidentally leaving my flame thrower at home than any actual gentlemanlyness (it is too a word!) but I digress... again. I make my way to the customer service desk and ask to speak to the manager. After a few minutes the manager shows up. I tell her, in between wheezes, that the lone cashier is wearing perfume a bit on the heavy side and someone needs to say something to her because that could cause some problems for people with breathing troubles. I used my inhaler for emphasis. The manager literally turned her back to me and walked away. I know, what a day to forget the flame thrower, huh?
But wait, boys and girls. There's more
This was relayed to my by a very reliable source: This gentleman, a fellow asthma sufferer, worked with a woman who, like the check out lady, seemed to wear perfume so heavily that mustard gas would have been like a breath of fresh air. On more than one occasion working in relatively close quarters with this waste of carbon won this gentleman an all expenses owed trip to the emergency room. Now you might be saying to yourself "Damn! Why didn't he just say something?" Here's the kicker. He did. He explained the situation to their mutual boss. He told him what was going on and explained that that was the reason he was missing so much work. Did I mention that he was in danger of losing his job? He was. The boss' response: Well, I can't make her not wear perfume!
Yeah, I've got to call bullshit on that one. If I can be fired for wearing only a squid to casual Friday, he can tell this lady to stop trying to kill her fellow employees.
Apparently, that would have been rude.
You may, at this point you may be saying to yourself: "But, Logan (that is a really strange thing to say to yourself unless you actually happen to be named Logan), how can I tell if I am wearing too much of this particular biological weapon?"
I hear your plaintive pleas and provide this simple test. After you are all ready to go out find yourself a nice enclosed space. A closet or spare coffin will do nicely. Once you are all sealed up, wait about a minute and a half then light a match. The degree of your burns will let you know how bad your stench was and you can adjust your scent usage accordingly. Here is a handy guide:
No Burns: You are good to go, Sparky
1st Degree: Not too bad. Only small adjustment needed
2nd Degree: Heavy adjustment necessary IMMEDIATELY!
3rd Degree: It is called soap and water, Beluga, look into it. Steel wool will probably be needed.
A Smoldering Pile of Ash on the Floor: WooHoo! More oxygen for the rest of us!!!
I try to help where I can.
Rant Over... for now
