Darth... Um... Darth?

Monday, March 03, 2008

Ok, admittedly this is a totally geeky thing to talk about but, hey, geeks need love too. I was reading a few articles on Star Wars, specifically the Sith because that's the kind of thing I do rather than having an actual life. I was reading up specifically on their training and naming. The training is harsh, at best, usually downright sadistic and the master's overt attitude toward the apprentice is usually somewhat unfriendly. Whatta you expect, they are bad guys after all, right?

Anyway, at the beginning of this training the master grants the apprentice a new name. With these names goes the title of Darth. Usually the actual name part of the title it something dark and cool sounding: Darth Maul, Tyranus, Vader, Bane (yes, I know Bane kind of named himself. My god I am a dork!). My question is this: if you are about to abuse someone for the next few decades, why not start out on the right foot? Don't give the poor sap some cool ominous sounding name. Give him a name that reflects the humiliation that he's in for.

"Arise, Darth Spanky!"

Besides, even though you are going to get in a good long run of fun at this putz's expense, it is all going to end the same way: you, face down on the ground in a pool of your own blood with a lightsaber-colonic. You might as well get in a sting that will last for the rest of his life. Imagine trying to strike fear into the hearts of a galaxy with a name like Darth Floppy!

On the other hand, imagine the monolithic reserve of blinding hatred the new lord of the Sith would have to draw strength from! The guy would either be a quivering mass of neurosis or the biggest bad-ass in the history of existence. What fun either way! Also think of the benefit to the reputation of the Sith Order in general! Imagine the deep psychological damage inflicted by having your entire species subjugated by Darth Sweetiepants. Now that is an embarrassment that with linger for a few million generations.

Thoughts like these are the reason my girlfriend no longer allows me to play with sharp, flaming objects.