More Random Rants

Saturday, May 10, 2008

And now, because you have been bad and need to be punished, more random rants!

First up on the hit parade: bisexuals. Fuck you guys! Now I am not talking about the folks who are mainly heterosexual or homosexual but like to take a swing in the other field (this is officially the closest I have ever come to an actual sports metaphor!) now and again. Hell, I think everyone should try almost everything at least once. I personally am going to give masturbating with a cheese grater, a live carp and a lit blowtorch a miss, but taking the gender you don't usually visit out for a test drive certainly qualifies for the should do list.

No, the people I am talking about are the ones that have absolutely no gender preference at all. The people who can easily see themselves settling down with one gender or the other with no bias towards one or the other.

Now you may be asking yourself: "Self, where does Logan's seething hatred of bisexuals come from? And while we are on the subject who dresses him? Ick! And what the hell is that strange smell? And when the hell is he going to pay back that two dollars that he owes me?!? And, just where the fuck does he get off criticizing how I wear my inflatable zebra suit?!?! And how come-" But I digress.

The origin of my distaste is easily summed up in one word: "jealousy". That's right, pure unadulterated jealousy. I mean here I am, not the most attractive guy out there, broke, with a penchant for saying things that get me dirty looks and my potential dating pool is cut in half right from the start through absolutely no fault of my own. Now you may be saying : "But, Logan, don't you already have a beautiful woman who you are devoted to and is devoted to you? Why would you care if you can't see yourself settling down with a nice boy some day?" The answer is yes, I do have a gorgeous woman whom I love and it will stay that way until I run out of chloroform! It is just the principle of the thing here! Fuck you, bisexuals! You guys suck (and not just in the happy happy joy joy sort of way)! You lucky bastards!

Next up, Firefly. Fuck you, Fox network!!! Way to take a brilliant concept that is both well acted and excellently executed technically and run it into the bloody ground!!! Die in a fire!!!


WARNING!!! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!


Serenity. Fuck you, Whedon!!! At least Book's death had some meaning! What were you thinking about with Wash! He was one of the best characters and you snuff him in a stupid way for no apparent reason!!! That is not "clever" or "realistic", it is lazy writing. The main difference between fiction and real life is that fiction has to make sense! It is not fair and can on occasion can be broken under the right circumstances (I.E. It makes sense in the context of the larger story). But killing off the best character in the show just to attempt to add forced drama to Zoe's fight is lazy at best! Just for that, in my next book, I am going to have a character named Joss who will be killed of in some pointless, stupid way. Hell, I may just do that in all my future books! That'll lern ya! Fear my literary wrath and tremble, ye poop-head!
(I reserve the right to completely rescind this rant should it later prove that Wash's death was some part of a larger over-all plan. I also reserve the right to kill off Joss in all my future works in goofy ways just because I think it is funny. I know, I have issues)

While we are on the subject, sorta, screw you Vegas Browncoats!!! While I was on the project to restore the Ariel Ambulance, not one of you fuckers came out to help, not one! It was not a two man job and we lost the project to a town that could actually generate some bloody support! I hope you all stub your toes in a particularly painful manner! To those that did show up, thank you very much. May you all receive your very own autographed copy of Firefly season two in the very near future!



Rant Over...For Now