Parenting 101

Friday, June 13, 2008


Not so long ago some friends of mine had a baby. Now I have been lucky enough to be able to spend a good bit of time with the little one and that got me thinking (you can already tell this is not going to end well) about my own potential parenthood.

It is not completely inconceivable that I might one day find myself a parent either through adoption, fornication or finding a child in a a Cracker-Jack box. I am kind of hoping for that fornication one. Regardless of how it happens, I may find myself facing the same parenty type questions that my friend will soon be staring down the barrel of.

One of the most awkward types of questions parents face form children are those regarding sexuality. As a public service both to my friends and the one or two of you out there who read my drivel I would like to present a sample conversation in which I demonstrate the proper way to handle this situation:




Child: Daddy?

Me: Yes, little Green Lantern? (Incidentally, that is the perfect name for a child. It works for both male or female)

LGL: What is sex?

Me: Well, I am glad you felt you could ask me. Sex is a very special thing between a man and a woman or man and a man or woman and a woman or a man and a box turtle. When two or more consenting adults really love each other, or like each other, or tolerate each other, or are in the same room, they come together in a very special hug. Sometimes they get a hermaphrodite in a spandex gorilla costume to film it and set it to the music of Chopin as interpreted by feral alley cats. Does that clear it up for you?

*Little Green Lantern stares blankly*

Me: I can see you are still confused. Perhapse I can illustrate better with these sock puppets.

*An hour long puppet show ensues*

*Little Green lantern begins to twitch slightly*

Me: Here, let me show you these films I got in Germany that may help you understand a little better.

*Little Green Lantern's eyes widen in terror and years of intense therapy follow. The weeping inside never really stops*





I hope that the above example has been helpful to all of you new, and potential, parents out there.



You are welcome.