From Murderland with Love

Tuesday May 30, 2017

A 73 year old retired construction worker was attacked by a 9 foot great white shark while fishing. Wait, this gets good. The man wasn't actually in the water when he was attacked. He wasn't even leaning over the side. He was sitting in the boat. The shark jumped into the boat with him!

Where could such a thing happen, you ask? Where else but Murderland, aka Australia! It is a place where critters want to fuck you up so badly that they leap into an environment that they are completely incapable of surviving in to do it

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If you live in Murderland, my hat is off to you. You are braver than I (although, admittedly, that is not a difficult task). You have the courage to live in a place where there spiders big enough to eat birds and even the beaver-ducks are venomous! Don't even get me started on the koalas. Those little buggers are up to something.

I mean watching Jaws when I was little kept me out of the pool for quite a while (stop laughing, it is a well known fact that giant great white sharks occasionally visit pools for vacation. I think they get a buzz off the chlorine and enjoy snacking on unwary children.), imagine what would have happened if I had found out that they can fly as well?!? I would have had to find some way to survive while embedding myself in dirt. Ah, but then I would have to worry about the dreaded land shark. I know you have doubts, but I have seen actual photographic evidence of the land shark. You know, way back before Saturday Night Live started to suck.

This guy, though, I love this guy. I would have love to have been able to listen in to the distress call:

Captain Awesome: Um, yeah. I was just attacked by a great white shark.

Rescue Person: Sir, you seem remarkably calm for someone who was just attacked by a great white.

Captain Awesome: Well... he wasn't very good at it.

And indeed it wasn't as the gentleman walked away with only a couple of stitches. Now this could have been because the shark was a lousy shot but I prefer to believe that he avoided injury through sheer intimidation of the very fabric of reality. He gave several great quotes to the media but my favorite so far is: "I think next time I might find a crocodile to wrestle just to stay in the limelight." You, sir, are a bad ass!