It's Hoo-Hoo, Damnit!!! Get it Right!!!

Originally posted on 02/25/07

Ok, some of you have heard this story. There was a theater down in Florida, I believe, that was putting on a production of "The Vagina Monologues". So, they did what anyone would do when they are putting on a show, they put the title up on the marquee. You can see where this is going, huh?

Apparently, a woman was driving down the road with her 5-year-old niece. This little girl saw the sign and asked her aunt what a "vagina" was. So this woman turned to her niece and calmly and rationally explained that a vagina was a part of the female reproductive system. The young girl further inquired as to the nature of said reproductive system to which the aunt went on to explain, again in a calm and rational manner, the nature of the system. She further added that although our society tends to cast shame and doubt on the various aspects of the human body and function thereof, it was actually a perfectly natural thing and in no way deserving of shame.

Ok, now see if you can tell me which part of that story bares absolutely no resemblance to what actually happened.

Go ahead. Guess. I'll wait.

Got it? If you said the last bit was complete bullshit, fondle yourself in a happy place, you are a winner!

Yes, rather than choose the above or similar rational course of action, she immediately called up the theater and complained very loudly (I'm guessing) that she was deeply offended that not only did her niece see the dreaded word but she also had to explain it! Oh, the humanity!! The horror, the horror!!!

To this the theater politely respond by apologizing that she was a repressed, prudish, neadrethalic git but that was the name of the show and they would not bow down to attempted pressure of anyone, least of all to someone who most likely wouldn't have been interested in seeing the show in the first place. They ended the call by suggesting that humanity, and her niece, would most likely be better served if she would drop the little girl off at her parent's home and go die in a fire.

That part really happened, right?

Of course not!! Humans aren't allowed to have reasonable reactions to things!! You should know this by now! No, they immediately caved and changed the marquee to read: "The Hoo-Haa Monologues". For when censorship of any sort rears its ugly head they bravely gave in like a two dollar whore with a five dollar bill (there's some imagery for you).

Eventually they did change the name on the marquee back to the proper title. I would like to say that they did so because they came to their senses and decided that integrity was more important than the whining of an idiot. I would LIKE to say that, but, if I did, I would be lying. They made the decision to change it back for the same reason that most decisions are made in this country (don't know about other countries, sadly, I am not yet widely traveled). They made the decision for the love of money! Apparently, whoever wrote the contract for usage of the material figured that this might be a problem and added a clause that said that it could only be performed if the title was displayed correctly. Whoever wrote that agreement: Bravo to you!!!

Now this upsets me for three reasons. First, I get kind of nervous around any type of censorship. Any time anyone tries to force ones own morality on another, that bothers me. I know, I am strange like that. Go figure.

Second, this woman was upset that she had to explain to a little girl, her niece, what a vagina was. This makes no sense. They both had them!!! Barring some horrendous accident, the both had vaginas!!! How could this be offensive? Now, if you have the urge to write and tell me that this is another illustration of how we live in a patriarchy, sit on your hands, take a deep breath and realize that not everything will fit in whatever little box you want to cram it in to make yourself feel all nice and safe and superior. This is a much larger issue that has nothing to do with gender. In this case, vaginas just happen to be involved. Don't believe me? Try to put on a show called "The Penis Monologues" and see if you don't get some complaints. Better yet, you and a male friend go walking down the street naked, doing nothing of a sexual nature, and see if you don't BOTH get arrested. This is an issue that goes past any gender issue. It is an issue of shame. Both sexes have been conditioned to feel ashamed of their bodies. This also goes into a larger and more basic issue of the human condition, one that I will most likely rant about at some later date.

The third thing that bothers me is the use of the term "Hoo-Haa". This is just completely wrong. The correct euphemistic term for the vagina, should you ever need one, is "Hoo-Hoo". "Hoo-Haa" is too close to "Yee-Haa" which, to me, brings back both disturbing flashbacks to my days in the deep south and equally disturbing images of our country's current foreign policy.

Rant over... for now